"Hampstead"

There is a song that lives in my dna right now, it fires up my synapses, it sends a shiver down my spine (but in a good way). It’s called “Hampstead”, and it’s one of my new Ari favorites. And the few of you that know me closely know that I am an Ariana Grande junkie. Ari and Billie are my girlz (girls with a ‘z’ because I extra love them). 

I somehow didn’t discover this symphony until a few days ago when I was alone, snuggling under a blanket with my headphones, drunk scrolling on youtube. It had been a hard night that night. And after work I decided to break into some wine and just lose myself in some music. And I flipped to Ari as I have always enjoyed her music. Her beats are ‘sick’, her voice is just silky and gorgeous, and she literally has an anthem for everything under the sun. I have felt all of her songs at some point with every part of my soul. On top of that it's been super fun and healing to see her grow not only as an artist but also a person. She transmutes all of her hurt and pain into highly creative analogies and music videos. And as a fellow cancer woman going “through it” I can identify with her songs so personally. (As if they are part of me too.) 

Anyways, the other night when I was drunk and already in my feelz (again with a ‘z’), I came across this song. I won’t spoil the music video for you, because I think it’s something you should experience on your own. But what I took from the lyrics, and the little bit of reading up I did online, is that “hampstead” is about life after her divorce and filming “wicked”. And basically how the tabloids and everyone around her ate up her suffering and made it a spotlight for gossip. She had to learn through her mistakes and be okay with being in the public eye. She finally learned how to live out loud and authentically through her pain. And she learned how to be okay with others seeing her raw, unpolished sides. And damn, how I felt that. In fact, the first time I heard this anthem, the line that got me was “I’d rather be seen and alive than dying by your point of you”. It had silent tears streaming down my cheeks.

In my own life I have had to face my own kind of public, my own type of spotlight. Since my divorce when I was falling apart trying to become accustomed to single parenting, dating, and figuring out who I was I felt the eyes on me and heard the whispers. Whether it was out of concern, admiration, judgement, or disgust I knew I was a subject on the tongues of many other people's conversations. I was completely aware of this (though I’d like to play dumb and say that I wasn’t.). And it REALLY bothered me for a while. I think most meant well for me and were cheering me on. But I know of a few specifically that were praying on my downfall. And I went through my own motions with my reputation being incredibly raw and out in the open. At first I felt angry and an “I’ll show you” type of energy. (Really an ugly energy to be in.) And after a while I felt a needy and “please love me” type of energy. (Almost equally as ugly.) And after many phases of feeling it I think I’m finally in a “here I am energy”. 

It’s taken a lot of time, I moved through many head spaces. I’ve been through a lot these last couple of years. And I’ve learned a lot through it. And I love myself SO deeply right now. Maybe more right now than I ever have before. So in layman’s terms.. “Fear me stranger, a little bit of sugar, danger. I’d rather be seen and alive than dying by your point of view. (I do, I do, I do, I do)”