Detaching

When I first separated from my ex there were reminders of him, and of us, everywhere. They lived in the walls of my house and were scattered through my picture collection and a few in some of my moving boxes. As I moved, downsized, and trashed ALL of my wedding stuff (I literally went to a ‘wreck room’) the reminders became less over time. But I still had unhealthy attachments over the things I could not rid of the world. Songs and shows we used to listen to and watch harbored an unhealthy amount of anger in my heart. Sunflowers, my wedding flower, held a large amount of rage specifically within the bounds of my heart and mind. I remember driving past a vast field of sunflowers last summer on the way home from a family gathering. I was by myself singing in the car and then I saw it. I let a brief glimpse of something I once knew turn a tranquil moment to myself into rage. Completely unnecessary. I remember rolling my eyes dramatically and saying some nasty things about the field of flowers. Yes, I cursed at a field of fucking flowers. -It’s strange now to think that a year later I feel so much differently.

I’ve learned through all this healing that sometimes I really am my own worst enemy, that I create my own pain and 99.9% of the time it is unnecessary. (My reality is mine to control)  I need to assign new meaning to these things that once weighed me down. -I’ve actually found a cover of the song that was our song (Take my breath away– Berlin) and can finally listen to it again. I’ve decided I want to rewatch a show we used to watch together, but make it MY show, with some favorite snacks and complete solitude. A wind down activity when my son is in bed. But most importantly, I’ve decided sunflowers are not evil anymore (really they never were) and are no longer a symbol of my failed marriage. But one of my sons favorite flowers. Therefore one of my favorite flowers again (they really are beautiful). 

It took time (a LONG time), it took grief, it took processing, and sometimes I back track a little; but I recently decided I no longer am going to project and let these things hold unhealthy attachments over me. They are just things. I can rewrite my own story, I can rewrite these things into my reality as I please. I can detach. And I’m ready.