New Endeavors

Believe it or not I did much self-reflection before starting this punchy little blog a couple months ago. I’ve wanted to write a book about my life for awhile now because of the way things shook out between me and my ex. And the effect it had not only me but also on my kids. But there were a couple problems with the potential project at hand.

1. I already have issues finishing projects around my house. How the heck am I going to put all my thoughts and ideas into a book? (And stick with it.)

2. How would sharing the details of my life with others affect me and my children?

I really had to sit with this; In fact I thought on this project for the better half of 6 months. And even physically sat down and wrote out all the pros and cons at one point. I didn’t want this to be a revenge story. Though what happened between me and my ex was not okay, and we may NEVER be okay, I didn’t want to destroy him. Especially not online where anyone could scrutinize and interpret in any way they wanted. I would never be able to delete the anger. Despite everything he was my best friend for many years, he gave my son and a beautiful bonus child, and was (at a time) my protector. I have purposely kept his name out of my articles and the specific situation at hand because of that. (I hope you are somewhere healing.) Also, in relation to that, I did not want to destroy my children with “second-hand smoke”. That is their father. And sharing too many details about what happened would have been bad enough. But splattering metaphorical guts all over the internet would have impacted them greatly. And could have been the death of any future relationship I had with them. No, this had to be done tactfully and in more bite-size pieces for myself. So I eventually landed on a blog. (Hopefully I’m doing us all justice.) 

I didn’t expect much success with this funny little online forum when I first started. It is probably one of the first times in my life I put my neck on the line out of pure exploration and recreation. I’ve always loved writing, ever since I was a little girl. But because of being labeled as the “too sensitive” type I never really shared my poetry with anyone or my short stories. Also, living in the grown up world everything circulates around money. So for a while, a lot of my hobbies did too. But through getting older, growing through my divorce (and life), I stopped running from myself and started running to myself. It felt scary at first, very scary. Living authentically is something I think a lot of people dream of, but rarely do because of the possible repercussions. But wow, how freeing it feels. I wish I had actually tried this sooner. -Since starting my blog I have had several friends and strangers reach out. Some of them commended my bravery, a few of them shared their stories (which I am so thankful for), and I also got a small handful of boyfriend proposals. (Haha; but also no girlfriend proposals??) (Just kidding, flattered but not currently looking for anyone.) 

I REALLY wish I had started this sooner. I make no money off this, sometimes it's hard to keep up with the blog because of the business of life. But I feel I’ve started to live more freely through this. I’ve started to reclaim my power and help others. My divorce is no longer a monster that hides beneath my bed; but the babadook I keep in my basement and feed worms as needed. Basically.. I am not the things that happened to me. I get to choose what my life is going to be for me and ultimately who I’m going to be. And right now I am choosing to be happy (against all odds). 

I have started decorating for fall already. And gosh how it makes my heart happy. I am also painting and cooking again. (I recently came up with a tom soup recipe I’m pretty proud of.) I am becoming more open to the idea of love again, though I am not actively seeking it out (as previously discussed). And I am slowly finding my tribe of people. The list goes on, but I don’t think the list would have even started if I didn’t crack my own chest open and do the hard (vulnerable) work of sharing my story.

All of that said and done, I’m excited to write more articles. I’m excited for new tasks at work. For the shifting of seasons. For dating (when it feels right). And for future, secret projects. (Yes, I’ve got some things up my sleeve.) 

If you’re considering putting yourself out there, you’ve weighed the pros and cons, and it feels right… do it! It will always feel scary in the beginning. There will never be a time that feels quite right. But you could reap the benefits of something incredible. -I can’t wait to see your new endeavors and where they take you. 

Hugs internet babies.