Ego & Transmutations

Ego is such an interesting and funny lady. The idea that there is some sort of self summation inside that says “Yeah, man we’re super cool and awesome.” OR the ladder “You suck and everyone hates you” is strange and weird. There are occasional middle grounds for me internally. But it seems my ego is only the loudest when It's yelling with excitement from the roof tops or sobbing relentlessly in the corner. It has been so hard for me personally to find a gray area to live in. I attribute some of the extremes to my BP and the waviness of life; but a lot of it to my “parts”. And when I got divorced and became a single mother WOW did my parts come out. And WOW did my ego fluctuate. 

In the beginning stages of my divorce I’m sure I felt how a lot of others have felt in this situation. I struggled heavily with the destruction of a very established identity. Years of a “happy”, grounded identity (being absolutely demolished in a month). I was left with bread crumbs of who I was and my self worth was starving. For weeks, at the end of the day, when my son was in bed I layed on that old floral couch in my empty living room thinking “Why was I not good enough?”. An all consuming thought I KNOW we’ve all felt.

Then one of my “parts” took the wheel and pushed me into ‘Go-getter’ Megan. I left my job as a farm girl to work in sales and moved into a new set of apartments with my son. That period of my life did wonders for my ego, until it didn’t. What started as a fun, big girl grown-upy job turned me into a spoiled little princess after a while. I did have my good moments, I tried to be kind. I wasn’t totally an @$$hole. But Megan, who worked in sales, started to become a little TOO cocky and full of herself. It started as a confidence booster, that job. So like, okay, I can dress nice, be persuasive, sell things to people, bring home a commission. But it also became me owning too many skirts, and heels, wearing hair extensions, fake lashes, and spending a stupid amount of money on iced coffees, etc. I totally thought I was hot sh*t. But after our most recent presidential election I saw the fear in people’s eyes to spend money. I didn’t want to push merchandise or insurance plans. Especially for something that didn’t feel essential to live. (jewelry) It didn’t align with me anymore. And most of the people I was around in that job didn’t align anymore either. (Not you though; Love you K, S, & D!) 

Now I am janitor Megan, and I think this is my favorite version yet. I work in a hotel cleaning public spaces and bathrooms. Is it glamorous? No. But am I treated right? Yes. That’s not to say there aren’t days that aren’t exhausting (in all senses of the word). It’s still working with the public and it’s a cleaning job. (Some days I clean up vomit and dead bugs) But my ego doesn’t waver so much there. With time and experiences I’ve settled into who I am. I see myself where I’m at. And I try to see others from where they are too. And the people that see me day in and day out at the hotel love me! And I love them! I think I have a friend in every department now. 

So after much growth and transmuting I am no longer a sad farm girl. I am no longer a cocky little sales lady. I am now a ‘whimsy-goth’ janitor lady just trying to stay in the middle. And I must say I really like it here.