Post-fallout

Survival mode is such a MIND F*CK. Everything is going groovy, or maybe a little wavy-gravy, and then life hoodoo-voodoos some shit your way. Like WHY??? And THEN, you have to push through and put your feelings and heart on the back burner while you move through the trauma to a place of safety. A place where you’re actually stable enough to have a breakdown. (Or at least that’s been my experience.)

The way my split up happened was traumatic, the circumstances were not normal. (Or so I’m told.) So instead of being able to sit down, deal with it, and have a good healthy cry I had to push through as soon as it happened. I had a small child on my hip and no time to waste. I needed to increase my income IMMEDIATELY as I just lost over half of my income from the sudden separation. Which meant I needed to find a new job immediately! I also needed to find a new place for me and my son to live. File for divorce. And keep my son safe, healthy, and functioning (basic needs combined with health probs.). All while I was barely functioning. I felt teary-eyed and sick to my stomach 24/7 for that first month. And it was EXTREMELY hard not to bash my son's father in front of him during all of this. I had SO MUCH rage in my heart from what happened to me, what happened to us. But as I get older and wiser (again question mark?) I’ve learned it's better to deal with people directly than starting little fires you can’t put out. 

Me and my son moved into a small apartment for awhile in the next town over. But management was not great and the people that lived below us were scary. And I honestly was not doing well mentally. So I swallowed my pride after 9 months of us being there and asked to move in with my parents after couch surfing at their house for a couple weeks. I did not want to, moving back in the family is hard, but I am so glad I did. They have been good to us. And living here has given me many opportunities. I’ve been working on my finances, paying off some debts, growing as a person, and slowly slowly slowly healing. Living here has given me the opportunity to stop suppressing and break down in a healthy environment. I started up therapy again, started journaling, channeling and processing through dreams, and finally letting go. If you asked me today I don’t really think about my ex anymore unless he's brought up in conversation or an anniversary passes. I can finally listen to songs and watch movies we used to watch together again. And I don’t think about him all day like I used to. I’ve finally moved out of survival mode, I’ve finally gotten through most of the fallout. 

The problem is… how do you establish yourself again after survival mode. When you’re so used to being on guard. Sure.. there are books on divorce and seminars on how to get through. And I’ve gotten through. But trying to re-establish myself as a person after being out of the danger-zone has been HARD. Really f*cking hard. But here I am, trying. I’ve done some mind mapping recently, I think I’m actually onto something. I’ve also started journaling again and this blog is definitely helping. -I really want to share my new goals here as I’m excited! But when I was a little girl and I would wish on a dandelion or a birthday candle I would never reveal my wish. And though I’m grown, I’m choosing to hold on to that magic, and keep my aspirations a secret for a little bit longer. But I will say that it involves finances and love (the romantic kind). I’m grinding and manifesting some big things.

If you’re in survival mode, good job! Keep going! You’re moving through the worst part. computer hug And if you’re in post-survival mode and finding yourself again… I’m so sorry. But I’m also SO proud of you. I promise it gets easier.

Goodluck internet babies. Cheers to post-fallout! <3