Loneliness

Some days I can deal with loneliness. But some days loneliness feels like a slow and silent death. It HAS gotten easier the longer I stay away from dating and the more I keep busy. But there are nights, when my son is in bed and the house is still, that my romantic heart twists me up in absolute knots. Yes, the lover girl inside, mangles me. And as much as I try to practice “mind-over-matter” and self care she really screams to be heard. 

When I was married for years I was used to having daily kisses and waking up next to someone. Things might not have always been great between us. But I believe that we (me and my ex) truly did love each other fully and authentically in the beginning. And I’ve been chasing that ‘puppy-dog’ love ever since. Online dating didn’t fill that void, in fact I think it made it worse (at least I learned some things). On the other end of the spectrum, trying to deny love and becoming a ‘man hater’ didn’t help either. Now, through humility and vulnerability, I’m trying to live somewhere in the middle; All while trying to navigate abstract concepts like “limerance”, unrequited love, twin flames (spiritaulity), and soulmates (more spirituality). And to add ANOTHER layer the “Mom guilt’ follows me through all of this.

There is a quote by one of my favorite fictional characters in one of my favorite fictional stories. Sally Owens, a beautiful, heart broken witch writes to her sister… 

“Sometimes I feel like there's a hole inside of me... I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. [...] I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. [...] There is no man, Gilly. Only that moon.”

I nearly cry whenever I watch that scene. As the white witch mourns the death of her husband I have many times mourned the (metaphorical) death of mine. And I’m afraid of what someone might hear if I actually gave them the chance to hold my heart up to their ear. Would they hear the ocean? Perhaps a tragic love-ballad? Maybe worse… nothing at all? I fear the wrapping in my chest anymore is just to pump blood through my body and keep me alive. The romantic is dying, the cynic is growing. Well I don’t even know if it’s a cynic anymore, more or less just a shadow. A tired shadow.

But one thing I know for certain… Some days the loneliness I can deal with, some days loneliness feels like a slow and silent death. (Rest in peace, my romantic soul.)